Sure, you can build a web site, but can you build a successful relationship?
Navigating romantic relationships offline can be confusing, but add text messaging, facebook photos, tweets, or gowalla check-ins and you get a complicated mess of communication.
During our SXSWi panel on March 12th, Dr. Corinne Weisgerber, Jenn Deering Davis, Matthew Weber, and I will be presenting a well rounded discussion/debate of the controversial effects of technology in romantic, work, and family relationships.
A quick note: These are solely my opinions and do not represent the entire panel. In fact, we expect several areas of disagreement within the panel discussion, ensuring that all angles are addressed.

Consider the multiples stages of a relationship:
1. Research and Development
You lock eyes and suddenly she begins walking towards you. There’s an awkward exchange of names and basic interests, but when she glances toward her friends 5 minutes later and says she has to go, you are left empty handed. No worry. You know her name. You know what city she lives in. So you grab your iPhone, google her name, and find her on Facebook.
Instant connection.
Later that night, you search through her Facebook photos, read her Twitter feed, and even find an article about her in the local newspaper. By this point, you’ve decided she isn’t your type and the fact that she left without giving you her number, is obviously a positive thing.
This is the type of digging we are now accustomed to. Gone are the days of “blind” dates. After all, a quick profile glance will tell you where he grew up, if he’s religious, and even what his ex looks like.
Establishing a connection no longer depends on face to face interaction. A relationship may begin in person, over the phone, on a dating website, or even in a video game.
2. Labeling
Thanks to Facebook, we now have a way to publicly define our relationships. We know the date, the time, and whether our networks “like” our pairing. Friends of mine have even decided to make the day they went “Facebook public” their official anniversary day.
3. Honeymoon Phase
We’ve all seen it. Kissing photos, loving tweets, “The Two of Us” albums on Flickr. Depending on your feelings towards social networks, this may be a positive or negative sentiment. But, regardless of your opinion, there is no denying that intimacy is evolving.
While this does not apply to every relationship, it is an entirely new form of romantic communication, increasing in frequency on a daily basis. Simply look around a restaurant and you will see couples engaging on their iPhones as they wait for service, a couple laughing as they both check-in on Gowalla, or the unmistakable “aww” as she reads his tweet about “going to dinner with the most beautiful girl I know.” These actions are second nature to many, and pose the question:
“Are we missing opportunities within our romantic relationships as we attempt to please an ambiguous social audience?”
4. Conflict
Understanding technology’s power in your life becomes instantly recognizable at the onset of conflict. We no longer turn to journals or confidantes in times of upset, but instead post public status updates, angry comments, or spiteful photos. Our most personal feelings and struggles are plastered across multiple social networks, whether we initiate it or not.
Research is brimming with examples of suggested etiquette in a break-up or divorce. And yet, even de-friending, un-following, and un-tagging will not erase the emotional pain. Nor will it remove the temptation to search them out at a later time.
If you have a personal experience you’d like to share, please feel free to leave a comment. Or if you disagree with my statements, let me know!
This entry was posted on February 27th, 2010 under Events, Interpersonal Relationships, Social Media.
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March 1, 2010 at 3:41 pm
Great post, Ashley. I think the question you are posing is a valuable one. My wife Heather and I talk often about what we decide to share. She is of the mindset that sharing parts of her life is something to do: “Grrr traffic so bad on Mopac” or whatever. She thinks she is just as willing to share her thoughts with me whether or not she posts something to the world.
I think about it differently. If you are posting something online, it means that you are including everyone else in the conversation. Therefore, you are less likely to have the conversation with me because your needs are being met somewhere else (or at least you feel that your needs are being met).
I don’t think it’s necessarily a bad thing, just my thoughts.
March 1, 2010 at 9:41 pm
Hm, that is an interesting thought. I often feel as though we forget just how large our audience is. “Accepting” a friend request is a simple click, but results in hundreds-even thousands-of friends/followers. Social networks have taken away the impact of reaching such a large audience.
This also leads to a separate question (unrelated to your specific relationship) of whether addressing an external audience is merely a reaction to the lack of communication in a relationship, as a way to garner additional attention, or even a passive-aggressive approach to communicating with your significant other.
March 30, 2010 at 11:19 pm
I love this post! You’ve given me some food for thought that I hadn’t really considered. Social media essentially enables all of us to have our own reality shows.
Ash